Monstrous Guest..........

Days and Nights have been following each other religiously since the time unknown. Nothing remains constant in this world. One phenomenon is followed by the other; it is just a matter of time.

I was engrossed with this simple yet intriguing thought and I was about to begin my journey through the night;  A journey taken every night. It was always my favorite time of the day. It allowed me to be purely myself. Today's night was also just another night for me and its exhibition was no different either. There was darkness all over and my belligerent self was taking over me the way it use to do every night. 

Amidst the pitch black darkness in my room, the moon was hanging like a night watchman in my balcony. It was shining to the core and desperately trying to dissuade the darkness. But even the moon failed to overcome the darkness in my heart as it was the source of calignosity in my life. I could see the swirling leaves and their audacious smiles; I was shocked because the winds could carry the joy of love to these leaves but failed and sometimes refused to carry my sorrows to my beloved. I closed the window as a protest against the ecosystem active at night. 

While I was still changing sides to catch some sleep, my heart's friendship with darkness was touching new highs each night. I had become a lifeless body without any sensibilities to feel, listen and express. This night was no different. As if all the daily rituals were being performed without any change. But something strange did happen that night; I had a visitor that night.

My guest had a magnanimous structure, with big wide eyes and teeth which can cut the strongest metal, he was no less than a monster. He was a scary person. He sat in one corner of the room and started staring at me. He was draped in a long black dress and was growing taller on my each stare I was returning him with my pounding heart. I strongly felt he will engulf me completely tonight and my being will cease to exist after this night. The sheen in his eyes was continuously making its impact on me as I was getting more and more scared of his presence. I was getting belittled in my own world. He was getting more and more intimidating each time the sand granule drops in the hour glass. The dead silence in the room was adding the degree of terror in me. 

Who was he? Why I am getting scared of him? Why he is not letting me sleep?

The muteness was only enjoyable while I use to sail through the night on my own. But with his presence, the daunting silence became to sharp edged two sided dagger. I was still looking for answers to these questions and my guest became clamorous. 

He started talking with me as if he wants to entice me for something unknown. But strangely I could regain my sensibilities while I started listening to him. I could connect to him immediately. 

His conversations were bringing out tears in my dry eyes. In each "break" he made me smile too. Though he engulfed me completely and I was immersed in him yet I was breathing properly. The night passed peacefully and I woke with a smile. 

He became a regular visitor to my nights. Our friendship grew closer, the bonhomie was growing stronger. The initial apprehensions were foregone long ago. I allowed him to sleep by my side every night. He allowed me reliving lot of forgotten moments and there was an eternal peace inside. 

Who was he? Once a monstrous guest; today had become my best friend. 

He was nobody else other than my past. I played peace with him; In order to live peacefully today and in the times to come. I buried all the hatchets and my past became my friend. I gave him enough space in my heart. Sometimes I let him bathe in my tears so that he can feel refreshed. and sometimes I fed him with my time so that he does not feel hungry due to lack of my attention. My past became inseparable part of my being as I just wanted to be at peace with him. 

"Talking to the past always lets you listen to your future and it only happens in present"

Kamaljit    

A DARK NIGHT..........................

A road less traveled often becomes our path of reclusion. Our relationships might propel us, nevertheless only our soul can compel us for it to be relieved of body. Strangely the parallel virtues of life still beat the drum pet of their existence and at times complement each other. 

And I often find myself at a cross road, always weighing the quantum of losses I will have to suffer for choosing what I feel is apt for the moment. But why is that we end up losing what we never want to? Does our desires are more than what we deserve? Or simply we are throwing all the weight behind a wrong virtue of life?

It was 3 in the morning and as always I could not sleep. And just like any other night I find myself jostling from these thoughts. I pick up my "diary" and start pouring my heart just like any other night. 

 

"The dark corners are gleaming again, heart says its all in vain, 

You are destines to be alone, you are just made to cry and moan, 

The sorrows are subsiding though, the heart is not ready to bow, 

It still sees the pain around, wanders in the vacuum of shroud, 

I make a promise each day, to be as strong as a high tide on the bay, 

I promise a new surprise every day, some thoughts to withhold and some to say,

I will break the barriers with each passing day, dislodging my "walls" by making my own way

let my heart cry and moan, for I will bask in the glory though alone............"

It feels better when I express myself, when I pour my heart out. But still the devilish, nonchalant, non defiant and at times insolent me gets entangled again in those dark corners of my room at night...... I fight my own dilapidated self to search for my own real identity. The tryst with destiny continues every night and I end up being more confused for my own self. 

 

What am I doing in life? What am I suppose to do The questions beam in my head every night but nobody comes for rescue. And I just let one of the windows of my night stay to throw some fresh breathing space... Up on the hill I see a shimmering light of a lantern. The swinging winds being playful are threatening the existence of my star.......Somebody who is still shining right in front of me and for me... Can I overshadow the threat? Can I rekindle the hopes of being alive? Whom I really scared of? Questions keep pounding my head and I kept looking for answer through the night........

The nocturnal journey takes a sharp turn, and the astuteness of my dual self hits a wall. I cannot fight this wall. I cannot demolish it. It is right there in front of me, giving me a stare, telling me that you dare not mess with me. I am the one who will rule you always; I am the one who will dictate terms to you; You can't argue with me. The tantalizing revelation struck me every night yet I become victim of my own fallacies every time.....

 

 The soul wants to rest in peace, but it is draped in endless vows, there is a growing silence within and is getting intrigued with each passing night. Nobody is at rest, neither me nor my soul. The trajectory of day to night is an endless saga of astonishing experiences. Life makes a new high in every low it touches during the flight. The soul enjoys the dance but settles down in a deep slumber. It further witnesses a near to death experience and I experience life. I feel you almighty. And the silence grows magnanimously, forgiving the unrest. It covers me and my life.......

 

And it gets even more quieter at night... the heart beat matches the march with the ticking clock...but I still remain numb in my closet...waiting just waiting for the night to get over.... the day just gets rewind on its own and you realize another lonely day just passed away leaving deep scars... the scars which a loner can only feel and understand. Pinning hopes is a bad idea because even shadows don't accompany you in those dark lanes....   Surprisingly nobody is around when you need them most.... and "Life" continues its existence through a dark night once more.................